


in my veins

by somebodytoldme



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: F/M, Lack of Communication, Lots of Angst, M/M, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-06 10:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1105480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodytoldme/pseuds/somebodytoldme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>prompt: Rayvin secret relationship</p>
            </blockquote>





	in my veins

**Author's Note:**

> [listen](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0KZuZF01FA)

It was fun at first. It was like a secret that they had just to themselves. It felt nice to cherish this small little, blossoming relationship… it was their own little world that they held in their hands.

And then it was about the adrenaline rush, those silent, stolen kisses and lingering touches. Wherever, whenever it was possible they’d rush in as many moments together as possible. It was a glance during a video, a secret smile, a touch at the waist when they were off camera. It was the distance they staged during the day time and the closeness they hungered for at night. It was the entanglement of their limbs as soon as they were in their safe space, the thirst that never was quenched because they could not get enough of each other all at once.

But something changed. The passionate, secret love lost its taste. Gavin found himself pushing his affections in the public eye as far as he could, until Ray would quietly push him away in fear of somebody discovering them.

He’d reach for his hand as Ray would walk him home from bar bouncing with Geoff, and their palms would brush for a moment before Ray would put space between them. He’d plant kisses along the nape of Ray’s neck, whenever the guys were away on lunch… Where Ray used to laugh and scold him, he’d just lean away from the touch, and mutter something about saving it for later.

But later was always dry. In his dark, quiet apartment Ray was very touchable…  Gavin could claim him there, in secret. He could kiss him. Draw the beautiful sound of pleasure from his lips. Every inch of skin he could trace with his mouth because in the dark his body was his alone. But it wasn’t enough.

Because there he could make the most mind-blowing, hot, sweet love, and nobody would ever know the difference. And when things were so amazing, it wasn’t enough to just sit quietly with it… Gavin wanted to climb to the highest roof and burst with it.  
  
But this way, nobody would ever know the claim that Ray had on his heart, not even Ray himself. Nor would he understand the toll it cost him each time he pulled away.

Gavin could not be in love with Ray just half the time. He had grown so tired of hiding his affections. Worst of all, he began to doubt the extent Ray’s feelings for him. He felt like a sinking ship, like he was slowly drowning, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it at this point. There was no safety line…

He held onto Ray that night, convincing the idiot to actually come to bed with him at decent time. He seemed just as drawn out as Gavin lately, though Gavin suspected it was for different reasons. He pressed his face in between his shoulder and collarbone, the spot that now felt just like home to him. There he scattered butterfly kisses. But Ray just moaned and scooted to the edge of the bed, far away.

Gavin was angry. He was so angry that Ray was moving away from him. Insecure, that pretty soon he wouldn’t even be able to touch him in the secret dark place. 

And it was the insecurity and the fear of losing him completely that possessed Gavin to become… this. He was possessive, he held onto Ray tight enough it left bruises, and he fucked him harder as if hoping he could claim him this way. He cornered Ray in the bathrooms later after he was fooling around with Michael, and abused his lips until they were swollen and red.

It doesn’t do anything to close the distance. In fact, it makes things worse, like when Ray is with him he is numb to Gavin’s touch. Like he doesn’t really even respond anymore, he just lays there and he takes it.

And that is why Gavin gets so drunk. He drinks and drinks. He doesn’t go to Ray’s for a good week, and Ray doesn’t even say anything at work when his eyes are bloodshot and he still reeks of alcohol. Maybe he just doesn’t care anymore, Gavin thinks bitterly, maybe he is glad to be rid of him.

He doesn’t say anything until a very angry, very drunk Gavin comes stumbling to his door, knocking on it in the deep of the night. And when Ray opens the door, wearing his headset, hair sticking up at whichever angle all the anger bursts. It sinks into him as a deep sadness, and his knees, likewise fail him. That is how he ends up here on his knees sobbing Ray’s name. Begging, in drunken slurs, for Ray to not leave him. He knows he is an idiot… but he just needs all of them.

What he doesn’t know is that in Ray’s ears his drunken blunder is just absolute nonsense. Nonetheless, he helps carry Gavin into his apartment. He turns off his Xbox and places Gavin on the couch. His arms are like a life jacket, as they wrap around Gavin’s shoulders and bring his face into that warm place he calls home. It takes a long time for Gavin to calm down… He isn’t certain how long exactly, but it feels like he spends an eternity hiding in Ray’s arms. By the time he is calm again, he doesn’t have the energy to do much more than fall asleep, so he does. 

And though he evaded a long talk last night, that morning Gavin wasn’t so lucky. He woke up on the couch, laid out across it, except on the tiny corner that Ray had huddled himself in… There he sat, staring blankly at the wall like he hadn’t slept last night, but was simply waiting for Gavin to wake. So, when Gavin did move to sit up, Ray broke out of trance with a great startle. 

"Sorry…" he muttered as he looked into Ray’s bloodshot eyes. And the apology went both ways, you know, ‘sorry I came stumbling into your home after a week drunk’ and ‘sorry I made you jump out of your skin’.

Ray just kind of sits there staring, like he is still trying to process what is happening… Like he is trying to figure out how to say something he has been thinking about all night. And that scares Gavin, so when he starts with, “Gavin… look, I-“ 

He interrupts, “I was really buggered last night, mate, I’m really sorry about that…. I promise not to do it again, the headache it not worth it.”

Ray’s brow wrinkles like he doesn’t know what Gavin is on about, like he doesn’t understand why he has interrupted him. But Gavin continues rambling, “Geoff was drunk as dicks last night, though, I should not of had that shot…”

"…Gavin…"

"When I am buggered, I never make sense, well not all the time, so don’t-"

"-Gavin."

He stopped.

"Look…" Ray looked away from him, he was looking down at the palms of his hands, and this was beginning like every nightmare Gavin had ever had about it. He knew what came next. "I think… It might be better for you… for us… if we gave each other space."

And it is everything he feared at once… In the worst ever delivery because it is so cold and impersonal. When Ray reaches out to touch Gavin’s shoulder, he flinches away. Anger burning deep inside, and it surges upward into outrage. 

"ASSHOLE!" he cries because it is the first thing on his tongue, "asshole!" he repeats quieter, in his breath as he jumps off the couch. "I can’t believe you… I don’t…" He paces because now that his fears have been confirmed he has nothing more to lose. He feels fearless. 

"I don’t want any more bloody distance! I want to _be_  with you. I want to date you! I want to kiss you in the sunlight! I want to hold your hand at our company functions! I’ve wanted so much  _more._ Because I…. I  _love you_ and I want to be  _your lover._ ” _  
_

When Gavin finishes he stops in the middle of the living room, and stands there, chest heaving, waiting on some reaction from Ray. One like  _Oh, Gavin, I love you too_ or  _let’s be together._ But precious seconds ticked by and Ray… he…  _just sat there looking at his hands._ He didn’t even seem to blink, and that was worse than even just a clear rejected. Because it was  _nothing_.

So, he left. He walked out the door, grimy with the smell of stale beer, and shaking with pure, dying adrenaline. And he shook at the bitter cold, having left his jacket inside, nonetheless he walked on. Numb physically and emotionally.

It was the warm shower that brought it all back, however. It was painful to think about going back to the world after his secret break up. Nobody here would understand… Nobody here he could talk to because he couldn’t do that after… But he also couldn’t face Ray again. Not just yet. He needed time, he needed space.

So, he left for the only place he knew he could escape… him. England.

——

"Gavy-Wavy!" Michael cried in the sea of people holding up signs, or those who were eagerly waving over their relatives or friends. 

He instantly spotted him and Lindsey, who faithfully came rushing forward to give him one of her wonderful hugs. And as she squeezes him good and tight, he quickly feels any doubts about coming back at all quickly diminishing. 

"Look at this, look how long your hair has gotten over, what, two months? You’ve just got it cut before you left!"

Gavin gives Michael a sheepish smile, who comes over and gives him a hug of his own in return… As Jersey as he was, Michael was also a huge softie. “It’s good to see you. We’ve gotten way too much done without you there.”

Gavin snorts, knowing that is as good as a  _I really missed you_ from Michael. “Yeah, well, here I am.”

"Here you are!" Lindsey beamed in, moving to help take some of his luggage from his hands, "I hope you aren’t too tired because there is a  _surprise_ party for you’re coming home… I’m just telling you to help prepare you for the onslaught.”

Michael snatched away his other bag, glaring over at Lindsey, “ _Lindsey_ it is called a  _surprise party_ for a goddamn reason!”

She shrugged, “Gavin doesn’t like surprises.”

——

The surprise party was more of a barbecue at Geoff’s house that needed an excuse not to work. Though, that is all fine with Gavin because he really does enjoy barbecues too. The moment he got there, he scanned the crowd for the one person he was anxious about seeing… But he wasn’t there. As anxious as Gavin was about it all, he couldn’t help but feel disappointed about it.

But eventually, with the help of alcohol Gavin begins to relax. He begins to settle right back into his home, listening to, and laughing at, Lindsey and Michael’s friendly banter. Getting an armful from Geoff about leaving him high and dry so suddenly… Listening to Jack fill him in on everything that he has missed. Barbara injecting several horrible puns into every conversation… Enjoying Burnie slowly get more and more drunk as the night prolongs.

At some point, somebody thinks it is a good idea to make a toast to Gavin, as if to rectify this barbecue into a supposed party honoring Gavin’s return.

Geoff raised his glass, “to Gavin, the worst Brit I’ve ever met, but the best buddy I’ve had, it’s great to have you back, buddy!”

Everybody cheered and some followed suit. Michael included, “to my boy! Gavy Wavy, and his return back home!”

With each ridiculous toast, everybody was getting more and more rowdy. Teasing him mercilessly about the shit that he has said in the past.

That is until one voice rises above them all and shouts, “I like grapes!”

And Gavin’s heart almost stops because he knows that voice anywhere. He knows and he isn’t ready. His stomach churns and even after all this time he isn’t ready to do this. Not since he sat there expressionless and not since Gavin left.

But like a bloody movie, the crowd of people parts and he walks between them until he is standing a few feet from Gavin. And he looks the same. His hair is a little bit longer, but he is still the same. Gavin doesn’t know why he expects different, he himself has not changed much since that day… But he feels different.

"In fact…." Ray says, looking down at the wine glass in his hand, "I  _love_ them.”

And then Ray lifts his glass for everyone to see, “a toast! A toast to Gavin Free… The only one I have ever completely fallen in love with, and been too cowardly to chase.”

And Gavin stands there silently as everybody drinks to Ray’s toast. He watches as the wine glass tips back against Ray’s lips as he sips the blood red liquid like it is poison. Like he is giving everything up for this, like he is throwing in the towel…

Gavin knows he should be angry, that he has every right to feel that way… But he really doesn’t. He just feels relieved. Enough so that he snatches the poison from Ray’s hand, and he leads him from the crowd of their friends and family… Of everybody who now  _know._ _  
_

He stops in the empty kitchen inside. The wine sitting on the counter between them. “I can’t believe you-“

"-Gavin, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, please-"

"-No, idiot, listen, you don’t drink how could you-"

"-I was so afraid for so long… There was no real reason for it I just-"

"-then you announce this in front of everybody…"

"Gavin, I…"

He paused, and in consequence Ray paused too, like he was unsure what he now wanted to say. Bitterly, remembering how unresponsive Ray had once been, Gavin crossed his arms and waited, leaning against the counter patiently.

"Gavin… I do… _love you._ I just, I was not ready to come out before… I was afraid, and I know, it was for no reason… But I just was.” 

He searches Gavin’s eyes from some hint of understanding, but doesn’t get it.

He continues, “as soon as you… when you left I told everybody. I told them what happened and why… They were upset that we kept it hidden, they were upset that I had driven you away. But I told them not to say anything because I still feel like distance is what we needed… That if, maybe, if we healed, we could start over again… What I mean-“

"Who’d you tell first?" Gavin blurts out like it is important, but for some reason he is curious.

Ray smiled softly, “to be honest? My mom. Then Ryan.”

Gavin blinked, “Ryan? ….Really?”

He shrugged, “I may have blurted it out over subs, but he said something like he really doesn’t want to know.”

Gavin snorted. And they stood there enjoying the amiability of the moment.

Ray was the first to break the silence however, turning back towards Gavin with more determination this time. “Listen, I know that I really hurt you, and that I don’t deserve a second chance… But I still am going to ask you for one… Would you please be my boyfriend?”

And even after two months of grueling recovery, of trying to erase him completely from his heart, Ray was still there. This was everything he wanted… It was what he had waited for. He’d be an idiot to say no. So, he nods because words are beyond him at this point. He just keeps nodding his head  _yes, yes, yes, please, yes…_

Ray inches closer now, their hands touching and reaching out for each other, “yes? Is that yes?”

Gavin just nods and moves to kiss his boyfriend, and as he steals Ray’s lips, which distinctly taste of bitter wine, he sighs. It doesn’t taste the same, but the feeling is still there, the warmth is still there. 

And the outside explodes with loud cheering and clapping, as everybody has gathered by the windows to watch the conversation go down like the nosy buffoons they are.

Gavin can’t bring himself to care, he just sucks the bitter off his boyfriend’s lips, before pulling away. “…how’d it taste?”

Ray’s glasses were crooked, and his eyes had that glaze to them. But the straightened them and then shrugged, like he didn’t really care to stop for small talk. “Bloody awful.”

Gavin laughed, and kissed his boyfriend again and again. They stood there in the fading sunlight just enjoying each other’s company, and they did so until it was dark. 

And the dark was not entirely bad. Because they could still share some secrets there. But Gavin was also comforted by the fact that the light would also come again.


End file.
